HARRY R. CARTER, Ph.D., MIFireE

Just the other day, as I was sitting in church listening to the Pastor’s sermon, a thought began to develop in the innermost recesses of my psyche. The Pastor was discussing the ways in which we should introduce the Church, and its teaching’s to the youth of today’s world. The more she spoke, the greater became the thought within my brain. So great was the import of this message, that I began to scribble my thoughts upon the church bulletin that was sitting on the seat next to mine.

Pastor Pat was covering two distinctly different ways of discussing an issue with someone else. Her first example involved talking to someone, as in giving them a good talking to. As she spoke, it sounded more as though she was describing the process of "talking at" a group of people.

Think about how many times you have been part of a group where someone stood in front of a large group that had you as a member. Recall those times where that person talked to the left of you, the right of you and over your head. They might have yelled, screamed and threatened, but they just did not seem to be talking directly to you. Their message was general in nature, and it was probably being delivered in an extremely negative manner. And they never told you why. These folks specialized in ordering you around, rather than explaining the reasons for the task.

None of us likes to be threatened. It usually causes us to turn off our hearing and tune out the speaker. We went through countless speeches like this during our 26 years of military service; both active and reserve. If we didn’t do this, or that, we would all be in trouble.

Maybe those things had an initial dubious impact upon me in my youth, but after a period of reflection, I made an important discovery. They couldn’t put us all into the brig, there would be no one to do the work. After a time, I came to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do was find the kernel of the thought that was being yelled at me, and shoot to do that thing, whatever it might have been.

This is a type of communication that I define as "talking at." Ideas are sent flying. However, no return communications is solicited, at least none that will ever be accepted. This leads to frustrations on the part of the audience and diminished performance toward the goal or goals being spoken about.

The next type of communication’s style which my Pastor spoke of was the "talking to" kind of interaction. My perception of her message was that this was a preferable form of interaction, as it was being directed to an individual, or at most a small group. She spoke of sharing concerns, outlining courses of action, and offering constructive advice.

Although the thrust of her comments was extremely positive in nature, the words were still couched in the words of a lecture to someone, or some group. That part of the interaction that she gave short shrift to was that of feedback. During the past several years, I have taught a number of courses that involved communications and decision-making skills. One of the keys to success in each of those skills involves the successful use of feedback, as a tool to guide the discussion of the concept and the actions that are desired from the communication or the decision interaction.

It was this concept of feedback that led me to a third type of communications to which the Pastor was alluding, but not specifically mentioning. This is the concept of "talking with" people. This is an interaction between people, with a certain amount of give and take on both sides. It belies an interest by the communicator into the actual feelings and perceptions of the person or persons deemed to be the object of the communication’s interaction. This skill involves a concept known as active listening. After you present your idea, you look and listen for all of the clues and cues that your idea has been properly received.

What are some of the components of active listening? Foremost is silence during the moments when the target of your communication’s effort is replying to you. Two people cannot talk at once.

Right after silence comes the skill of paying attention to the words being spoken. Do not be thinking of your response to the other person at the same time that they are speaking. You can miss important parts of the other person’s thoughts if you are racing ahead to tell them what you thought of their first sentence. Paying attention means just that. Take all of the comments, and place them in order.

Once the other person has stopped, you can begin your assessment of feedback, which you are delivering in response to their feedback. Do not think that this is any easy thing to do. I have been working on this particular communication’s problem for over 20 years, and I am still a work-in-progress.

Another trait to avoid at all costs involves the bad habit of finishing people’s sentences for them. Do not add words to their thoughts. Let them finish in their own way. By injecting your thoughts, you may drive them away from the things they actually wanted to communicate to you in response to your initial thoughts.

Yet another critical item in the communication’s interaction that frequently gets trampled in the dust involves the reasons for doing a task. I do not like to be told to do something, "just because…." Like most rational adults, I like to receive data that will help me reach a rational understanding of why a certain course of action is beneficial to me. Since I like to be treated in this way, I work hard to treat others in a manner similar to that which I would like to receive. Seems Biblically simplistic in its reasoning, doesn’t it?

The object of talking with someone is to arrive at a mutual understanding of the desired thought you initially wished to share. Feedback is a critical element in honing in on the center of your communication’s bull’s eye. By actively listening to what is said in response to your message, you can tell whether people are hearing what you are saying.

A recent commentary on our web site gave my Webmaster and I great pause to wonder if we are communicating properly with you, our reader. To say that we were disappointed by the response of our readers with our call to assist the Smithland, Texas Volunteer Fire Department is a great understatement. Of the more than 5000 people with whom we shared our words, exactly five people responded.

Did we send out bad data? Do people think that I am attempting to foist a fraud upon the fire service? Or are people so consumed with their own concerns that they cannot see their way clear to give a little to someone less fortunate than they are? I do not know. I am disappointed. But I will continue to do what I can where I can to help.

I guess we were talking at you, rather than with you, because the feedback has been so poor. Heaven knows that we are all busy people, but let’s stop and think about someone other than ourselves. Let a little charity emerge from our hearts during this Lenten season.

Unfortunately, what I can do as an individual is a far smaller commodity than what we can do as a concerned and aware fire service. I am a strong supporter of the many federal programs that are in various stages of the congressional legislative process. However, as a practical man, I see that our fiscal mutual aid is not going to happen any time real soon. That is why my message to you remains the same. Help when you can.

What have we shared with you in this message? Simply stated, there are three basic ways of communicating with people. You can:

• Talk at them
• Talk to them
• Talk with them

We urge you to go with item three. People like to be an active part of those events that will shape their lives. Do not dictate to people, share with them. The results will be much better in the long run. And once again, think about helping someone else.

The commentary in this column does not necessarily reflect those of Firehouse.Com, Firehouse Magazine, their employees or parent company Cygnus Business Media. Harry R. Carter, Ph.D., MIFireE, is an internationally known municipal fire protection consultant and contributing editor to Firehouse Magazine. He recently retired as a Battalion Commander with the Newark, New Jersey Fire Department. His commentary appears regularly on Firehouse.Com. For more commentary and information, visit Carter's web site at www.harrycarter.com Harry has published several books available for online ordering, including Firefighting Strategy and Tactics and Management in the Fire Service