HARRY R. CARTER, Ph.D., MIFireE

Here we are, less than six weeks out from the November presidential election. You cannot go more than 22 seconds without someone bombarding your senses with their hollow message of sincere concern. The amount of confusing and negative commentary is mind-boggling. It gives you pause to wonder how either man was elected to anything. But that is the nature of the beast we know as politics.

I am so glad to be able to watch the History Channel. At least they do not subject you to the plethora of paid pabulum that attempts to pass itself off as informative election advertising. And I can still be fairly certain that Eisenhower beat Stevenson in 1956 and Kennedy beat Nixon in 1960.

The type, number and kind of "vote-for-me ads" on television are enough to make you sick. Gore is a rat, and Bush is a bum. Or so the advertising wizards on Madison Avenue would have you think. Me, I am just plain disgusted. Give me the Battle of the Bulge, Eisenhower over Stevenson, or Kennedy over Nixon anytime.

I have heard the pros and cons of abortion, the needs of education, support for the military, crime statistics, and a wealth of topics as long as your arm. Bear in mind that I have very long arms. But what haven’t you heard a single, solitary word about? THE FIRE SERVICE! (Yes! I am shouting.) Both parties are strong on crime and ignorant of fire. Don’t these guys watch Third Watch on television? That show has a little bit of everything for the emergency service junkie in us all.

Think about it folks. If we look back over the past several months, we have seen and heard more about the American Fire Service from the Ford Motor Company and the United States Census than we have from either political party. It is not my intention to get into a pro or anti anything debate. Each of us has to vote the upcoming election according to our collective consciences. But you must vote, that is what counts.

I can say to you that it just ticks me off that no one is telling us anything about how they would help the fire service, if we choose to support them. But I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised. Many of our leaders don’t have the guts to stand up at any level of government and tell the story like we really see it. The same happens at the local, county, and state levels.

I am suggesting that we not wait for the political parties. Let’s get a jump on them and shame them into talking about us. Let me propose a little bit of a presidential debate commercial that we in the fire service could create, script, produce, and film ourselves. Surely we could come up with a bit of innovative action. The fire service can do anything, or so we keep telling people. Why, therefore, can’t we do our own commercial? There are many fire departments with the time, talent, and capability to get this baby rolling.

We have some outstanding writers and researchers in the fire service. I can think of a number of major fire departments that have video production setups that would cause a Hollywood studio to drool just a bit. And based upon my many years in the business, there are a lot of people who can tell a pretty fine tale, when they have to. If the Republicans, Democrats and the so called Independents are not going to talk with us or about us then let’s start talking about ourselves. We could create our own mock debate. Think about it.

I can see it now. We get an actor who looks like Al Gore, hey, we might even get Al Gore. He hasn’t done anything in the last four years, so he might still be available. We then hunt up an actor who just happens to look like George W. Bush. Come-on you know this type, looks like the kind of guy you could count on to help you get a fire truck transported into his state so his firefighters don’t have to beat out brush fires with their coats. But then he passes it down the line to clear it off his desk and it disappears. Should be able to look under any old rock.

I can see it now. We would run it much like an Alan Brunacini and Tom Brennan "Unplugged" session at the Fire Department Instructor’s Conference in Indianapolis. There would be a moderator, two chairs, and a world-class sound system. We could rustle this up from some firefighter who does part time gigs as a wedding DJ.

Since this whole thing is my idea, I plan on being the host and moderator. I have a very spiffy tuxedo in my closet that would look just great for this event. In order to stimulate enthusiasm, we would offer free food for any fire people that promise to attend. They also have to promise to refrain from name-calling, and profanity, as well as sign a written pledge not to rush the stage if they get angered. And much like the New York Jets games at the Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey, there will be no beer sales during the second half of the debate.

The camera pans the audience, and then the candidates, finally resting on the moderator, me. After introducing the candidates I now pose the first question which might go something like this…

"Mr. Vice President, have you ever had any interaction with the fire service in America?" As he squirms in his seat and gives all the classic signs of lying through your teeth, he reply’s. "Dr. Carter, as I am sure you know, prior to inventing the Internet, I helped Ben Franklin create the fire service. As a matter of fact, I once saw an episode of Emergency after I got back from my very short tour of duty in Vietnam. And don’t forget that I got to march in a nifty parade earlier this year in Chicago with a few really nice union firefighters."

The camera now cuts to Governor Bush and I ask the same question. "Sir, as the Governor of such a large and important state as Texas, have you ever had any interaction with the fire service in your state or the nation as a whole?" His answer could be similar to others we have heard in the past. "Well, if I did, it was probably before I turned age 40, and as a result, I do not have a recollection of such an event. Hey, aren’t you guys the ones with the spotted dogs, the suspenders and the checkers games and you drive those neat red Ford pickups?"

In the interest of fairness, we tried to reach the candidate(s) for the Reform Party. Unfortunately we discovered that their phones had been torn out as a result of unpaid phone bills, and the fighting which occurred during their recent nominating convention. We were able to reach a night watchman who was kind enough to inform us that there was no fire in their building, and to kindly leave him alone.

My second round of questions would move toward a discussion of each candidate’s position on the very important bill that looks to fund the American Fire Service. I am of course referring to Congressman William Pascrell’s - FIRE Bill. My question would be quite simple. I would turn toward Mr. Gore and simply ask, "Mr. Vice President, what is your position on the FIRE Bill?"

Our surrogate Vice Presidential lookalike would nod solemnly toward the audience and state for the record that under no circumstance would he ever condone firing Bill. "He survived the impeachment hearings, Dr. Carter, why would we want to fire Bill now?" Hopefully, I would be able to ask Governor Bush the same question, with at least the appearance of a straight face.

Governor Bush, do you have an opinion on the future of the FIRE Bill that was crafted by Congressman Pascrell of New Jersey? Our surrogate Republican challenger would turn to the camera and wisely state, "I heard about that one. That good ol’ boy from Pennsylvania, Curt Weldon told me all about it at the Republican Convention in Philadelphia. I think it would be a great way to buy a lot of those shiny red Ford pickups I saw on TV last spring. As a matter of fact, I have been talking to law enforcement groups across the country and they are strongly in favor of pickup trucks. You know them big four-wheel jobs, with cute names on the front, like MUD MONSTER. If elected, I intend to sponsor a new law enforcement program to bring red pickup trucks to all of your Yankee police department’s up north."

But what about the fire service, I would ask? About this time, the only voice of reason I encountered at the theater where we were shooting this comedy might come from the janitor. He could yell in from the wings that he had a fire once and it took forever for those bums from the fire department to get to his home. Burned flat to the ground. Wouldn’t give them bums a dime, he might say.

Some random comments heard from the candidates during this little gem of satire:

1. You guys still riding on those nifty red rigs?
2. It takes a village to run a fire department.
3. Where’s the beer?
4. Where’s the bathroom?
5. I went into a burning room once, but I didn’t inhale.

The closing moments of this would involve statements about how they shared the concerns of the fire service, how they felt our pain, and how they were proud of our sacrifices. You know, the usual empty platitudes mouthed by people in empty suits who are running for something, but could care less about the kind of hard-working, dedicated people you or I are.

Please forgive me for waxing extremely cynical in this week’s diatribe to you. Wait, don’t forgive me. I’m so fed up with the empty promises of our hollow politicians and somebody has to tell it like it is. Election after election we hear the same empty promises. Maybe we should write in our own candidates on the ballot. Maybe we should finally let them know, "We’ll Remember In November!".

The only part of the whole federal world that matters a lick to me is who gets to run the Federal Emergency Management Agency. James Lee Witt has done more in the last couple of years to advance the cause of the fire service than countless others have in the decades since the whole FEMA, U.S. Fire Administration, National Fire Academy combination was created.

No matter who wins, I think that they should retain a proven performer in the job of FEMA Director. He has taken a broken-down federal agency and whipped it into shape. But then again, that’s just my two cents.

As we close on my final comments at the end of The Presidential Debate You Will Never See. Take care, and try not to choke on the political garbage being spoon fed to us by the media and the candidates. Oh, and don’t die while holding your breath waiting for the Republicans, Democrats or Independents to discover who the fire service really is.

Keep things in perspective. Remember the words of my Webmaster, Bruce Lukaszewicz when he paraphrases the title of John Gray’s book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and Politicians Are From Uranus".

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