HARRY R. CARTER, Ph.D., MIFireE

The more I live and the more I breathe, the less surprised I usually am when I hear about or see something that is asinine. As one who has spent a great deal of time working for Congressman William Pascrell’s FIRE Bill, I am used to lobbying on behalf of the fire service masses who live far from the influence of the Washington, DC madness.

My web master Bruce Lukaszewicz and I have devoted countless hours to creating and crafting a whole host of words to exhort you all onward and upward to new higher levels of labor on behalf of the passage of this legislation. We celebrated the passage of the bill, we labored at the National Fire Academy on the rules for the grant evaluation process, and broke our literary butt to counter the Bush Administration’s zero funding of the Fiscal Year 2002 FIRE Bill funding.

We received a great deal of praise for our efforts.

So far, so good. However, today I received an email message from First Vice President John Buckman of the International Association of Fire Chiefs that caused me to stop dead in my tracks. According to a press release from the U.S. Fire Administration, only 250 application packages have been received at their Emmitsburg, Maryland offices. Only 250 applications out of a potential 30,000 to 33,000 fire departments across this great land of ours!

What in the world are you all waiting for? Do you suppose that some magical power is going to swoop down into your fire station and fill out the paperwork for YOUR FIRE Bill grant application? If so, I would tell you in a most angry manner that such a thing is not about to happen.

Are you expecting some great federal dump truck to roll down the main street of your town, back up in front of your fire station, pop the latch and dump its whole load of money on the apron of your fire station? Not in your lifetime pal?

Perhaps you are like the bandits in the classic Mel Brook’s movie, Blazing Saddles, who were heard to say, "… We don’t need no stinking badges." (In your case, "we don’t need no stinking federal dollars.") Are you standing on the roof of your fire station and shaking your fist in the direction of Washington, DC, yelling, "… see, I told you they were going to give it all to the big city departments?"

All of these scenarios are just pure bull. The system is set up so that 57% of the money will go to combination and volunteer fire departments, and the other 43% will go to career agencies. Both sides are covered in the legislation. There is no particular bias built into the original legislation. I guess that the only thing that the people who fought for this legislation forgot to factor in was the laziness of the American Fire Service. I guess that it is just too hard to fill out a few forms to get thousands of dollars.

Are these the same people who will battle the Red Devil to the death? Are these the people who will work themselves to near exhaustion flipping pancakes, running a carnival, calling bingo, or battling their municipal managers for the life blood of the fire service: money? Geez, it must be somebody else that I am thinking of because it is certainly not you!

A number of us who served in the planning process were worried about how we were going to handle the flurry of applications that we foresaw flooding into the USFA offices like the Great Johnstown Flood. I guess our worries were misplaced. This email caused me to wonder what in the heck is wrong with the American Fire Service. Are we all too lazy to stop by at the federal tavern for a shot at an old-time free lunch style grant?

If you do the math, the 250 applications are around .08% of the total possible number of fire departments. Hell, that is not even a single percentage point. That would be 300 applications. If this were a case of drunk driving, we would be released, because we didn’t hit the .10 level for intoxication. What is wrong out there? Is everyone so scared that they will be turned down that you are not bothering to try?

We in the planning process were thinking that maybe there would be about 2,500 – 3,000 grants given out. At the rate we are going, there will be money left over, and folks, that is a bad thing: it is the kiss of death.

It could be that some of you think that this is like dealing with the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) at income tax time. For whatever the reason, you are waiting until the last minute to send in you application package. Don’t do it! This is not like the IRS folks. That grant application package has to be in the hands of the U.S. Fire Administration on May 2, 2001 by 5:00 P.M. EDT. If it arrives after that point, even if the postmark is May 2, you are out of luck.

I don’t know about you, but when I am getting a refund from the IRS, I send that paper work in as soon as I can race from my accountant’s office to the post office. Think of this in those terms gang. Get your application package together and send it out to the folks at the USFA.

Let me give you another little bit of free advice. It was recommended to me that you send your application package to the USFA by the mechanism of Express Mail from the U.S. Postal Service. It will get better handling and must be signed for by the folks that get it. You will be able to prove that you sent it, and they will have to verify that they got it. Any of the private overnight carriers can provide a similar service.

Be sure to keep a complete duplicate copy of the entire document. I am a man who likes to sandbag a bit. I would keep a written copy in my files and an electronic copy (if you filled it out using the excellent Maryland Fire Rescue Institute’s online format. There are other electronic formats available. The object here is to be able to prove what you did.

It would be my suggestion that you get the whole thing on the road before you leave for the Congressional Fire Caucus Dinner in Washington, DC on April 25th. In that way you can brag to all of your friends at the Washington Hilton that your whole package is done and you are just waiting for the money.

By the way, it wouldn’t hurt to give the troops at the other end of the pipeline at the U.S, Fire Administration a jingle via whichever method of telephonic communications you use. Let them know who you are, where you are from and then ask them if they have received your package.

Listen up gang, I am only going to say this one more time. You asked the leaders in the Fire Service and the Congress to bring you up to par with the law enforcement community in this country. You stated loud and clear – SHOW ME THE MONEY!!! Well folks not only are we showing you the money; we’re showing you how to get that money. Uncle Sam is sitting back and fanning piles of thousand dollar bills, and he’s chuckling. Why? Because he’s gonna get to keep it if you don’t take it.